My mother died today.
We had a weird sort of relationship. We weren't especially close, but there was a lot of love there. It wasn't especially overt, but
She was always so proud of the plays I did. Even when things were bad between us, she tried to not miss the shows I was in. Her favorite show that I did was A... My Name is Alice.
She helped me move into my apartment on Mothers Day five years ago.
She was hurting so much. She was so ready to go, but terrified to leave me and my stepdad alone. I don't know if I'll ever forget her looking up at me and telling me that she didn't want to leave me. That I should take care of my stepdad. That this isn't the way things should be.
I've known this was coming for a while. Deep inside, for the last few months, I've felt that she wouldn't have much longer. I'm glad it hasn't been more drawn out, but
You always wish there was just one more day. And then if you get that day, you wish for one more day. You just want to live on one more day.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings rattling around in my head. I don't know how to deal with or express all of them. This is going to take a while.
Fuck cancer.
